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when a dream is so beautiful it hurts to wake up
You too peach. I hope we both find some peace or happiness sometime soon. xx
"While the world he inhabits is, in some respects, counterfeit, there’s nothing fake about Truman himself. No scripts, no cue cards. It isn’t always Shakespeare, but it’s genuine. It’s a life.”
The Truman Show (1998) dir. Peter Weir
I already feel better just for having written that down and knowing that other people feel this way too. It’s one week on from the Worst Day and I still feel totally awful but I took a few tiny steps this week, one of which is identifying the things I’m struggling most with, and I know that years down the line I will be glad that this happened and that I stopped pretending to be okay. Nothing is going to come easy or quickly but that doesn’t mean I should give up. I owe it to myself and I think I owe it to others too because cheesy as it is I really do have a lot of love to give and if I can share some of that with the world it will make me truly happy
edit: I just realised this is my 400th post! I hope I can make 400 more posts with as much hope as this one
also people keep telling me that self-esteem isn’t something you can actively go out and get and that if I just stop worrying it’ll come in time and I CAN’T STAND IT because if I could STOP WORRYING I wouldn’t BE IN THIS MESS AT ALL
it literally took me five years to learn that i’m probably not the worst human being on earth and that everyone really just wants to love and be loved and that I am just as worthy of being someone’s friend as anyone else and I am holding on very tightly to those things. but when it comes down to it I can’t look anyone in the eye and believe that they would actually want anything to do with me. especially when I am this depressed, why would anyone ever want to hang out with me? I know it’s not rational and I am trying very hard to un-learn that belief but I’m scared it’s going to take another 5 years and I don’t think I can last that long being this lonely
last night I finally started learning to knit! shoutout to justasmallcalzone for being my knitting inspiration always! (this is a scarf for a toy rabbit and I am five years old)
"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?"
Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain (2001)
dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Do you ever get those days when one little thing sets off your anxiety and after that every single thing feels like the end of the world? And it’s unbearable? Sorry this has pretty much become a personal mental health blog now but to be totally honest my illness has gotten a lot worse over the past few months to the point where I frequently think about killing myself. I’m getting by and I am taking steps (like changing medications) to make it better but right now I am really really struggling and I can’t pretend that I’m okay.